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Dreaming With a Broken Heart

07 Mar

by Lindsey Goodall

Random Writers: Write about what you want most out of life.

My head goes immediately to “I don’t want to write this”.  I’ve contemplated bailing on the topic multiple times.  But I bailed last week and two weeks in a row would just be poor form.  And if the last few years have taught me anything it’s been to recognize the matters that manifest dread in my heart and soul and face them head on.  Considering the head on impact I managed a few weeks ago, this really should be nothing. That was so significantly and brutally difficult that I haven’t even been able to write about it yet, though I have tried.  It will come, but some distance is necessary for full clarity on that one I think.

Sorry for the vagueness but I’ve decided the only way to write this one is to pretend that I’m just writing it for me and that no one else will ever see it.  I don’t have to decide whether or not hit publish until I’m done, but the first step of having something to publish is the getting it out of my head part.  So here goes nothing.

Shouldn’t writing what you dream and fantasize most about be blissfully easy? Surely I’m the only one who fears giving my dream a voice.  But why?

I suppose it’s because I’ve had it before.  I’ve seen my dreams come true.  I’ve had what I always wanted, and I lost it.  A thief came in the night and took it.   I know what it means to lose all that matters and have been made vulnerable by the loss. The vulnerability that is still an ache in my heart.

And too, I watch my dream all around me every day, happening for other people, and I tend to covet.  It’s everywhere.  It’s in my workplace, it’s in my family, it’s in my friendships.  It’s achievable and it’s attainable . . .  seemingly for everyone else.

The feminist movement hasn’t done me any favors either.   All those women who have gone before me, making me 100% aware that I should be completely fine without the longings of my heart.  I’m smart, capable, and independent of all others.  Co-dependency is in my past, not in my future.  There should be no desire of this coupledom.

There is also all the clichés.  Gah, the cliché’s.  You see, I know what you’ll say, I know how you’ll respond.  I dare you to respond to this post without the trite thoughts that will spring to your mind when you sincerely want to wish me well.  You’re going to have to put on a hot pink thinking cap because it’s not going to be easy to come up with something original.

I can’t tell you how many times I sit down to write for my own blog, and the desire for this thing creeps in, and steals my thoughts.  How many mornings I start to write and realize that I’m only whining about the lack of dream realization I’m experiencing.  But it’s not my time.  Thus far, it hasn’t been God’s will, for me.

And then there’s the whole, what if it’s NOT God’s will, at all.  Aren’t I supposed to be praying for God’s will, and not my own?  And shouldn’t I be able to discern that, through prayer and supplication?    Maybe if I just had more faith.  Hold on to your horses Wiley E Coyote. . . doesn’t the bible say that God “made known to us the MYSTERY of His will”??  (Ephesians 1:9)  Sit and spin on that one for a while.

So, I’ve been learning to be content in all situations, because there is certainly no point in looking out any further than today. And today, I’m ok.

Content with a broken heart and a broken past, and content with learning about WHO God is in the process.  It’s not just in my imagination.  I’m good; really, I am . . . at least when blog prompts don’t encourage me to dwell on the longings of my heart.

Longings which my good Lord wants to provide for me.  Because He is that kind of God.  The kind that is working everything out to His glory, in His timing.  The problem here is that I want it in my timing, yet I know that if I’m patient, and wait, I’ll have it.  All of my dreams will come true, because that is what HE wants for me as well.  Look who’s throwing down the cliche’s now, will you!

So surely, it’s not secret what IT is, at this point.  You’re not stupid, and yet, I still struggle with finding the right way to describe it.  Hell, I’m sitting here pausing feeling silly for even saying it.  I want what most of you all have.  I want a decent spouse and a family.  So go hug yours extra tight for me.  Chances are, you live in my fantasy world.  It’s your lucky day!

A couple of years ago, in church, I saw a family walk to the alter to take communion together.  An older couple flanked by grown children and adult grandchildren.  I wanted to scream out, “WELL DONE! YOU DID IT! YOU TWO accomplished the seemingly impossible!!!” But that would have created a scene.

I assure you that it’s been a scene in my head, ever since.  I want to be a part of a Godly couple who raise great children that go off on their own and raise great children.  I dream of traditions; oyster roasts, beach trips, family folklore. Those things that make life worth living, that are passed down from generation to generation.

“We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever; the goal is to create something that will.”

~Chuck Palahniuk

 

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Posted by on March 7, 2012 in Lindsey Goodall, Prompts

 

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