That’s My Story and I’m Sticking To It

21 Oct

By Deb Stewart

What is one thing you felt strongly about but changed your mind?

It’s a thought-provoking question, and one that really got my wheels turning.  Certainly in my 47 years of experience, I’ve changed my mind on just about everything. From what I want to be when I grow up, what is my favorite color, to my religious views, my social views, views on family and marriage, and everything in between.  I think an easier question would have been… “What have I not changed my mind about?”  But then again, I’m a woman,   LOL.

Of course in the context of this blog, and for the purpose of contributing something substantive, your question forced me to dig deep.  In fact, I’ve spent the better part of this evening examining my life’s journey and reviving key periods and turning points – some of which, if I’m being honest, I would have rather left unexamined. It’s been an eventful life. And, God-willing, far from over.

While I joke about it, the truth is people don’t change that readily. Our core beliefs are so deeply embedded within our subconscious … so hidden from our awareness, that most of us when asked, cannot easily answer the question, “What are your beliefs?” Or a better question, “What are your limiting beliefs?” And yet it is these very beliefs which quietly “run the show” while we are busy doing mindless stuff … like ordering pizza.

It takes tremendous energy, or persistent exposure to a new idea, or a life-altering event to (a) surface a hidden belief, and (b) change a belief that we previously considered immutable.

It’s kind of a big deal.

In my own life, for the longest time I had the belief that I was unlovable. Or at very least, love was certainly conditional. My start in life was rocky. I was the unplanned baby of unwed teenage parents, who were forced in shame to run away to another town.  After all, “what would the neighbors think?”

My father was a schizophrenic alcoholic who violently beat my mother and mentally tortured her.  He stuck around just long enough to make three more babies, and then he was gone. I was six. He didn’t bother to keep in touch. Truth be told, the household was more peaceful without him. But still, we were “abandoned”.  Parents don’t abandon children they love. That’s what I told myself.

My father’s exit created a new problem. My mother needed to go back to work to provide for the family. Enter the babysitter … from hell …who abused me in every way that children should not be abused. This included being told outright that I was un- loved. “Your mother hates you”, she would sneer cruelly, inches from my face. Code for “don’t bother telling her what’s going on here because she does not care.” Sadly, six year olds believe everything they are told. And I believed this. Keeping secrets became my modus operandi. What did it matter anyway, I had already concluded that I was worthless.

Worthless was my story, and I was sticking to it.

People who think they are worthless do one of two things: confirm it (and find unhealthy ways to act it out consciously), or deny it (and find unhealthy ways to act it out unconsciously).  I was in the latter category.  My distorted thoughts shaped every decision I was to make in life.

Fortunately I was a good student. I was considered “smart”. And I discovered that the smart kids got rewarded with praise. If there is anything an “unlovable” person needs, it’s praise.  And so while my siblings were busy creating chaos for my family with their teenage angst, I was busy being the “good one”. I was a straight ‘A’ student, did fashion modeling on the side, and I worked while paying my way through school.  I was considered “problem free” by my external panel of judges.

Academically and professionally, I soared. I was what they call a “high achiever” – driven subconsciously by the idea that I had to “earn” worth.  Earn praise. Earn kudos.  And then I would be “good enough”. Such a ludicrous thought.

And I don’t think the “original sin” I was born with as a Catholic helped my cause.

At the age of 19, I married. He happened to be the first man who said he loved me.  So accepting his proposal was a no-brainer.  He LOVED me. That means he passed the husband material test. I had no other prerequisites – like morals or a decent character.
We had a daughter together.  But the marriage didn’t last.  His girlfriends didn’t like me.

Long after the marriage was over, eight years in fact, he was investigated for pedophilia and possession of child-pornography. The only saving grace in this story is that my daughter was not his victim. Her best friend was.

Of course, by then I had remarried.  To the second man who said he loved me.  That relationship lasted twenty years … until I could no longer stand the abuse.  He was a person of very low self-esteem. I thought I could fix him. I just needed to love him enough (choking as I write that). I was naive. It was a chaotic partnership and household. I used to pray for death. I did not see any other way out. After twenty years of mental anguish, lies and manipulation, I mustered the courage to leave. Being diagnosed with cancer may have had something to do with it. I fled from the madness to save myself.

Along the way, somewhere in the chaos, I had the wisdom, to go searching for better ways of thinking. It’s true what they say, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. For me, the teachers showed up in droves. Books showed up, people showed up, random encounters by people who had a “message” for me. I began to look at everything and everyone as purposeful. Eventually my awareness shifted so profoundly, that I started to believe a new truth. And from that place, I began telling myself a new story. I began living a new life.

I consider my life to be a magnificent story of triumph. And I don’t look back with any judgment or regret.  Truth be told, I would not change one event. Not one. Because they all contributed to the place where I sit here today. It has all served me.

Today, I feel a responsibility to use my experience and wisdom to help others who are struggling. To help others who are imprisoned with limiting beliefs, and to help them come to a new awareness.  In short, it is my life’s purpose to inspire others to a new possibility.  Because this I know for sure…

I am worthy. I am loved. I am good enough.  And so are you!


Random Writers would like to thank Deb Stewart for being a guest contributor to our site for this week’s topic. A success coach, trainer, and professional speaker, Deb is fueled by a mission: to create a force of unstoppable leaders who individually will create powerful results, and collectively will shape the future! You can find her online at and on Twitter at @Deb_and_John


Posted by on October 21, 2011 in Guest Blogger, Prompts



44 responses to “That’s My Story and I’m Sticking To It

  1. Marion Driessen

    October 21, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    What an awesome post. To rise up beyond what you believed to be true, to have pride in yourself. I can only applaud.


  2. John Leonard

    October 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Beautifully written Deb, this is a really great blog post for anyone who is stuck and thinking that they are “trapped” both in and by the circumstances of their life. It is also a powerful example of what happens in a positive way to the human spirit when you start the process of telling yourself a “new story” when an old belief or (imagined) truth is no longer serving you.

    On a more personal level, while you do a really great job Deb at painting a picture of “what was”…

    This story doesn’t begin to adequately tell the story of the person that you are, the wisdom that you possess, the heart that you have, or the woman that you have become. I am so proud of you.

    And while many may think that I am being a little biased (I totally understand that thought process) seeing that this was written by the woman that I love… the truth is that “every day” I am in complete awe… I am constantly amazed… and I am truly inspired by not only the person that you are, but also by the woman that you have become. Love you!

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 21, 2011 at 7:46 pm

      Your support and your love is what fairytales are made of. XO to infinity.

  3. Dave Carpenter

    October 21, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    What an awesome post. One of the most important I have read in many a moon (and that includes those that I have written).

    On so many levels, I so value and appreciate this post. Off to get it as much visibility as I can muster.

    PS John, that was one of the finest comments to a post that I have ever read. Beautiful!!!

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 21, 2011 at 7:50 pm

      Dave, your response to this means so much to me. As does your consistent and enthusiastic support of me. Thank you so very much.

      ps… you are so right about John’s comment. I melted when I read it.

  4. Jean

    October 21, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Deb, what a great blog. I know exactly what you are talking about, and I wouldn’t change one crappy experience I have had because they have all shaped who I am today.

    I have never heard that quote before about student and teacher. I believe that 100%, and I feel a blog post marinating in my head on that.
    Jean Kuhn

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 21, 2011 at 7:52 pm

      Kudos to you Jean! For taking your experiences and allowing them to shape you so positively. Thank you for your kindness.

  5. Bob Burg

    October 22, 2011 at 9:38 am

    What an amazing article and tremendous example for everyone. There’s nothing I can say here that hasn’t already been said by the other commenters. Please just know that everyone who reads your article (and I have a feeling that number will be many!) will be touched deeply by it, and their lives will be forever impacted. And, I agree with Dave Carpenter; John’s comments were awesome. It also shows how two awesome and exceptional people can attract one another into their lives. Thank you so much for sharing with us!!!!!

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 22, 2011 at 11:17 am

      So moved by your words Bob, and by your tremendous support. Thank you! And I agree with you… John is both awesome and exceptional (insert dreamy sigh here). And I would use the same adjectives for you. Privileged to call you friend.

  6. Natalie Lamb

    October 22, 2011 at 9:56 am

    I started crying at John’s comments. Ahhh – love!

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 22, 2011 at 11:09 am

      Natalie, so right! It made me tear up as well. He is … (dreamy sigh ; )

  7. Kris Porter

    October 22, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Thanks for your generous sharing of your Story. So many times the rough spots become sticking places, and it seems impossible to pass. Somehow you mustered up the courage to move again. Thank you for shining your light!

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 22, 2011 at 11:20 am

      I love how you phrased that Kris, “the rough spots become sticking places, and it seems impossible to pass”. Truth. Thank you for shining your light too!

  8. Janet Large

    October 22, 2011 at 11:06 am

    I’m proud of you for going on the journey to untangle the unthinkable negative thoughts and events that set your life in such a negative direction. I’m excited that you chose to share this journey with others, so they can grasp the idea that changing your core beliefs is possible as is changing the direction of your life. I’m so glad that you are on the journey of peace, happiness and abundance and are sharing with others how to achieve it.

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 22, 2011 at 3:31 pm

      Janet, thank you so much for your supportive comment! Sharing my story was not my intention when I started writing this post. But as it sometimes happens, the keyboard took over : ) I just let whatever needed to come out, come out. So my wisdom did not come from writing it, it came from trusting it. Thank you Janet for responding with insight and kindness.

  9. Linda Ryan, RN BSN

    October 22, 2011 at 11:44 am

    I am SO glad I saw this post. You told what might be considered a sad, tragic story in such a comfortable, unvictimized way. By doing that you helped me really get the lesson, without feeling any pity or sympathy. You’ve also inspired me to share more of my personal story, as up until now I’ve only shared (publicly) the very condensed version. After many years I still hold on the embarrassment or shame if it….. oh wait….I think I may have just let the last bit of that go. THANK YOU, this is one of the best posts I’ve ever read 🙂

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 22, 2011 at 3:13 pm

      Linda, you just made me cry. I am so moved by your words. Embarrassment and shame are exactly what keeps people imprisoned. It what kept me imprisoned. In fact somehow it’s worse than the victimization. Non-victims don’t understand this.. ie where does the shame come from? Well it comes from the idea that we somehow participated in the events. And by association, were guilty. The embarrassment (in my case) came from having to admit to others, “I WAS STUPID.” Shudder. And so we stay in secrecy.

      It takes tremendous courage to stand in your truth. To own it. To speak it. To get mad about it. To release it. And to grow from it. And then to say …(gasp)…”thank you” for it. Forgiveness is essential. And the moment I was able to forgive myself … was the LAST day I lived in shame.

      Thank you for your bravery Linda, and for using your life and your talents to lift others so beautifully. Your comment was powerful for me. Hugs!

  10. rick

    October 22, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    This just reinforces what I think about you Deb. You have been through a lot and remain standing. You are my idol hon and I am honored to say I know you and value what you say. We need more people like you to give other people the hope they need. I know you did it for me and I adore that you were there for me. YOU ARE SPECIAL!! xo

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 22, 2011 at 6:51 pm

      you make me smile : ) So does this mean the next time I “kick your ass”, you’re gonna listen… hmmm??? lol ps… that’s Miss Deb to you ; )

  11. Jim Engelhorn

    October 22, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    This is the case where someone in life takes circumstances that were dealt them and chooses to make them their greatest strengths rather than excuses not to excel. It isn’t about taking lemons and making lemonades, it’s about making the best lemonade that anyone has ever tasted….and THAT is quintessential Deb Stewart. She also does it by making everyone grow around her, and making their lives better along the way. This was absolutely beautiful and I am so very proud to call her my friend.

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 23, 2011 at 12:15 am

      Engie, you have just lifted me to new heights. This is high praise coming from someone who has dedicated his life energy to helping others. Who every day carves out time to inspire others with “Engieisms” with no motive, except to serve. I don’t remember anymore *how* our paths crossed… but I do know why. We radiate the same light. Along with all of the other bright lights on this page, and affiliated with this blog. We are in very good company today : ) Thank you my friend. Pepsi shots! lol

  12. Mary Holmstrom

    October 22, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    Deb, what an amazing story of triumph and love. I will not elaborate on my own details but our lives certainly parallel each other. Except I threw myself into so many volunteering things, I didn’t have time for myself or my family. You see, I was so addicted to doing good deeds just to prove I wasn’t a total loser. I see it now, but back then, everybody had a chunk of me except me. You and John are a Cinderella tale. I love to see the admiration and joy you share with each other. Thank you for sharing your story, your Deb-isms, and your friendship with all of us.. Love you

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 23, 2011 at 12:28 am

      Wow Mary, what insight you have on your life. Well I have always known that you are a “giver” … and you will do anything for a person in need. I see your beautiful heart. And glad that you now understand that the first person we all need to attend to, is ourselves. There is a reason the flight attendants instruct us to put on our own oxygen mask before helping another with their’s ; )

      Thank you for your compliments on John and I. “Love, admiration and joy” … yup that sums us up : ) We love you Mary. xo

  13. Thomas Waterhouse

    October 23, 2011 at 9:02 am

    I love it, Deb! Two simple words hold so much power to complete an experience in a way that binds or liberates our souls. Those two simple words come in the form of a question, and the question is, “And now? Our life experiences come in the form of a beginning, middle, and an end, but the end is never the end if we have the courage to ask, and answer, that simple two-word question in the light of hope. You are indeed loved by many for your radical honesty, deep authenticity, and yes, raw courage. “I am worthy. I am loved. I am good enough. And so are you!” I love it, Deb! Oh yeah, I said that already. 🙂

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 23, 2011 at 8:34 pm

      Thomas… “And Now” is a wonderful time to tell you what light you have brought into my life, and into the Feel Good Movement. Your words are so poetic, so poignant – so airy and so meaningful. Your “Simple Encouragements” are breathtaking. Who knew a year ago, when Dave Carpenter selected you and I to contribute to his book, that he would serendipitously place us on the same page, and launch such a meaningful friendship. I treasure you. John treasures you.

      Thank you for your loving words above. “And Now” is my new mantra ❤

  14. Patty

    October 23, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    Beautiful Deb! Thank you for sharing your story and being a Light in our lives. I do believe there are no coincidences in life, thus the reason why we have met. Thank you for giving all of us hope!

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm

      Thank YOU Patty! It sounds like this post is coming to you at exactly the right time. Isn’t it amazing, how resources (people, teachers, books, posts, seminars, etc) show up so purposefully…in perfect order and exactly on time : ) Hope… most certainly, there is hope. Sending you all good energy Patty!

  15. Jesus Pina

    October 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Hi Deborah,
    I have been trying to identify (without much luck I must say) and change, my limiting beliefs for a very long time, I have read a lot of books, articles and authors looking for that word, phrase or whatever that would give me the hint and make me steer the boat in the direction of the success and achievement I’ve been looking for without much “luck” if you know what I mean.
    Your article is very inspiring and gives me a lot of hope that at 49 years of age I can still find that me I know it’s still hidden somewhere deep inside myself.

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 23, 2011 at 9:00 pm

      Jesus, thank you for writing. You are so very right… understanding the subconscious is one thing… but surfacing a limiting belief, acknowledging and then dealing with it, is probably our most difficult task in life. To make matters more confusing, it is very often that we will agree with a belief consciously and intellectually, but subconsciously believe the exact opposite. In other words, what we think and what we believe can be in opposition. And we don’t even know it. An example of that is this question:

      “Am I good enough.” You may answer “Hell Yes!”, and in your intellect think that is a true statement. But in the depths of you – in your subconscious – believe the exact opposite. Which one wins out? Well, we already know the answer.

      So how do you surface that? Well, first look at the evidence in your life. Evidence doesn’t lie. Your circumstances, relationships, conditions, health … all tell a story about what it is that you believe. Life does not lie to us.

      Remember this: Success is an effect, we are the cause.

      Rooting for you Jesus! You are on the right path : )

  16. Sheri Bambrough (@SheriBambrough)

    October 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Your story has similarities to my own, and your attitude now is exactly where I have reached in my life. I don’t hold any anger or grudges. After all, everybody comes from somewhere and as twisted as it may be, people’s sorry actions are often a direct result of their experiences, but ultimately it was their poor decision and it’s my decision how I choose to let events of my past affect my life and future. I decided I was no longer going to let the victimizer have any hold on me or my life. There is still work to do on things like self esteem and fixing the damage I did to my body, particularly in weight and health, but I am free, and the best thing I can do is turn bad experiences into good for those who need help getting past their own bad experiences. No just to figure out how.

    Thank you for your post.

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 23, 2011 at 9:12 pm

      Bless you Sheri! I love the way you look at life. And these words are powerful “it’s my decision how I choose to let events of my past affect my life and future.” Amen!

      This sounds like a good time to tell people that the shift from being a victim to victor is a process. I used to identify with the victim label, and no one could deny the truth of it. I owned it well. Eventually as I healed, I moved from victim to survivor. That label I wore so proudly! And that label I wore the longest. Today, I don’t identify with either label. Or any labels. Not even the victor label. I just “am”. I no longer have emotional attachment to the events in my life.. except for the emotion of gratitude.

      I am so glad that you are FREE Sheri… you are well on your way to putting all of the pieces together! Hugs!

  17. Eliza Schmidt

    October 23, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    It’s so very hard to read this without shedding any tears. I hope one day I will find your strength.
    You will forever hold a special place in my heart xo

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 23, 2011 at 10:11 pm

      ok, now we are both crying. I was talking about you today… and telling someone how much I cherished you, and loved having you under my wing. You are such a beautiful beautiful soul… loving mother … loving woman. “I SEE YOU” Eliza. I am proud of you! You ARE strong… even when you cry. And the day you reached out to me again… was the happiest day for me. Please please please promise to stay in touch. I am here for you always. xo

  18. Trina

    October 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    That was difficult for me to read, just when I thought I’d shed enough tears this week. Being your sister, I walked this life path with you and was a witness to your pain. I understand it completely, and was for years, imprisoned by the same personal beliefs. I love that you are free, that you are happy, and that it served a purpose for you to be the woman you are today. I am proud of you, I adore you, I love you. xo

    Ps…beautiful comment John.

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 24, 2011 at 3:09 pm

      Trina, between this comment and the heartfelt letters both you and Mom have written me this week…filled with love, support, encouragement and healing … I can barely speak. There is a big lump where my voice used to be. You are so right… the three of us have lived the same story … and have each found our way into the light. We are each other’s BEST inspiration. And best source of support. You were right about that too. Perhaps one day we will have the courage to author our respective experiences, and the ordeal we each lived, from our 3 different voices. Then watch the common threads and overlays weave a triumphant tale. There is wisdom in this. There is purpose in this. And I know that I’ve only just touched the fringes of it.

      Love you so very much.

  19. pattyfarmer

    October 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    WOW… Deb, thank you so much for sharing that story. I have a story as well and one I do not share easily but like you, up to this point I have chosen to focus on my future and as we know we are the sum choices of our lives. I also would not change a thing for it has been an amazing journey. But after reading your story I realize that if we truly want to open our hearts and share that means the “not so good” stuff too and that if we can touch just one person who is willing to make a change from reading your story then it was a good thing and worth it. I am forever changed by reading your story and thank you for being such a blessing in my life. As for John’s comments, he is a great man and one I respect and I love the couple that you both are. You rock!

    • Deborah Stewart

      October 25, 2011 at 11:41 am

      Patty, that was beautiful thing to read, thank you so much! I think at our centers, we are all teachers, and have a desire (and a responsibility) to show others the way. What I have learned through this is that when have the courage to be open and vulnerable, others will open up in kind. Which paves the way for “real” conversations.

      I have received many private messages from people in this past week – all sharing their stories with me, because I have opened the door. If there are any common threads in all our lives, it is this: everybody has experienced pain… and everybody wants to feel good.

      And Patty, in case I haven’t said it.. having YOU in my life… feels SO good! That John guy thinks so too!

  20. patriciaw1

    November 3, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Deb, Trina read this to me and I am now reading it unable to control the tears. Remembering is hard but it is also a way to heal. We are better women because of our experiences. We listen we appreciate, we are kind, passionate, strong, caring, loving, thoughtful, considerate women. We have learned lessons that were difficult, painful and frightening. We fought the battle and won. Look, we are still here and we have a presence in the lives of those who matter to us. After all, is that not want everyone wants. I am so proud of you and very pleased that you have moved forward and are enjoying all that life has to offer. You are a wonderful, beautiful, talented, strong women. There is so much more in store for you. Amazing things are coming your way. Enjoy the journey Love you and proud of you xoxoxo

    • Deborah Stewart

      November 3, 2011 at 9:56 pm

      Mom, I had to wait a few hours to respond to your comment. Your emotion always surfaces mine. And of course this story is as much your’s as mine. Thank you so much for your beautiful words… but more so for your beautiful example. If it were not for your strength, … if you had not paved the way for how a woman can come out of the darkness of shame, and into the light of truth, to stand on her own, with her dignity, her beauty, her wisdom and esteem intact, as you have done …I would never have found my way.

      I don’t know if I’ve ever shared this with you, but a few years back, during a series of inspirational speeches I was contracted for – I ended every one of them with “our” story. (I say “our” because it’s so hard to tell sometimes where a mother’s story ends and a daughter’s begins… they are inextricably woven.) The experience of sharing this live, is about as powerful and honest a room can feel… and it’s hard to say who was more moved – the audience or me – but what is very clear as I painted this for them.. is that YOU, PATRICIA LOUISE MILLER WARREN are the real heroine of this story. And if if were not for you, I would not be near the woman I am today. And my dream is that you and Trina will be in the room, the next time I speak this again… so that you can get the ovation you deserve, with the daughters who adore you by your side.

      You are quite simply, the most inspiration a daughter could ever wish for. From everything in me, thank you Mom. I love you.

  21. Mariola Innes

    November 3, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Powerful and inspirational story Deb. What really shines through is the gratitude for all that has happened to you and realisation that these were just events that shaped you to become who you are today. Not many can feel grateful for what is considered as “bad”. Most can only feel grateful for what they consider as good and nice, but the true nuggets of gold are in those hard, shaping incidents in our life we sometimes consider as bad luck. There is a saying, that there is nothing bad that in the end will turn out to be a beginning of something good and great. “Bad” is only our perception when we are in “it”, and only viewed from the summit of time that its learnings become priceless. “To be grateful at all times for everything is the source of unending happiness. Shallow is the heart that judges things to be good or bad. It is like a shallow river whose waters are always troubled.” – from the Yokoshi Prayer Book

    • Deborah Stewart

      November 3, 2011 at 10:13 pm

      Mariola, what a lovely, insightful comment. Thank you so very much. I love your wisdom. A mentor once taught me to stop in the midst of every “bad” occuring and ask the question…”how does this serve me?” And to force yourself to look for the good. He also taught me that forgiveness, at it’s highest form, means literally, “thank you FOR GIVING this to me”. That can be a tough one to swallow, and I admit even I don’t get there overnight. But operating from this place is so much more empowering than the helplessness and powerlessness that comes with blaming, hurting and holding grudges. Who has the energy for that anyhow ; )

      Thank you again… and you have a beautiful name Mariola : )

  22. cassie hale

    December 4, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Thank you Deb your story touched me deeply,my heart is feeling this strongly. However for some strange reason feeling my heart makes me love that I am very human. Your gifts that I see are the honest person you are kindly sharing all of you that makes life better for others,by inspiring,giving hope through your loving ways. You experienced very hard circumstances,and overcome them through forgiveness,gratitude.Through that challenging process that you courageously chose to face has given me the gift of you. Thank you sincerely.

  23. letmemoveyou

    January 17, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    It must have been so empowering to write this post. I am so glad you have overcome and are sharing your lessons with others. You do matter and you are making a difference, Thank YOU.


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